Setting up the Nursery

When Clare moved into my bachelor pad and started making changes for the better, one of the first rooms to go was my study.  I had housed my PC, office stuff and movie memorabilia in this room, but as it was now to become a couples household it was time to clear out the junk.

The room has had multiple transformations since.  Box room, washing room, back to a boy's room, back to a box room.  We live in a two bedroom apartment, but realistically, only one bedroom is functional.

When we found out about Spud, we started the process of transforming the unused area into a nursery.  After our tragedy the room slowly deteriorated into a box/storage room once again and the nursery furniture went into storage.

As you can probably imagine, the drive to set this room up as a nursery once more was something we knew had to be done, but were reluctant to start for fear of never actually filling it.

At the end of December 2015, we were in to the third trimester and more confident about the future of the room.  Not knowing if Baby Sparkles would have a preference to Blue or Pink, choosing the colour of the room is not the easiest.  We tried variations of greens, greys and yellows, finally settling on Lemon Sorbet.  Neutral enough, but also colorful to bring brightness to the room.

Next was our trip to Ikea for storage, wardrobes and the compulsory random impulse buy (normally candles, but on this occasion it was a wooden spoon).  A great friend of mine detests the winding trails of Ikea and starts to palpitate at the mere mention of the Swedish firm, but Clare and I are a fan of bookshelves called Billy and tables called Sven.  Being on strict bed rest, Clare insisted on supervising our excursion, so we acquired a suitable mode of transport for her and roamed the flat pack heavens for our furniture of choice.

My Ma had saved the original family Moses basket that had been a safe haven for my brother, myself, my niece and my nephew over the years, and it had been saved for one more member of the clan.  Re-designed with our new choice of bedding, there was enough fabric left over to make a little feeding cushion and curtains for our nursery.  Clare's mum had made us a "nappy cake" which was linked to our Lemon Sorbet design and incorporated Clare's original nappy pin, christening cake stork and wedding flower.  It was a shame to dismantle so we left it pride of place on our newly constructed cabinet for a few weeks to admire.

With everything now set up, we just needed final touches going in to personalise it, maybe a little Star Wars somewhere, a little Lego, you know, the things that make a room just perfect.

Now we just need a little person to join us to call it their own

28 Week Scan

I'm forever blowing bubbles

It had been just over three weeks since we had been in Bolton Hospital, a personal best for the both of us during the pregnancy.

Clare and I had both felt the baby kicking and wriggling around (obviously Clare more than me) and on the night before the scan, Clare was having a little relax in the bath watching little tiny movements on her belly bump.  It is truly magic.

We always feel a little nervous before scans because of our previous history, however, the comfort of knowing that our scan today would be performed by no other than the lovely Lynne, put our minds at rest.

Baby Sparkles had grown and changed so much since we last saw, and was performing for us as well.  Sticking toes in the mouth and blowing bubbles.

My mum came with us as she is off to Australia in a couple of weeks and may miss the birth of Sparkles.  If we would have told her that we were expecting before they had booked they would have changed their mind.  We could not deny them this experience.  Seeing how happy this little munchkin made Nanna Davies was a really proud moment.

We now have a wheelchair for Clare, so I am able to take her out of the house, which has become a little prison for her at the moment.  Also, we are nipping to Ikea this week to purchase the nursery wardrobes and such, things are becoming so much more real in the new year our family unit will be expanding.

The Glycerin Magic Plaster

At 4pm Saturday 14th November, Clare had booked for me to go to the cinema as a little treat but had started to feel extremely tired so I told her to go to bed and I would stay home.  I tend to go to the cinema most Saturday nights whilst X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing are on TV as I am not a fan of this tripe TV, but after the water infection incident I am a little cautious sometimes to venture out and into mobile silence for a couple of hours whilst Clare is feeling under the weather.

A couple of hours later Clare came into the front room and lay on the couch in preparation for some ballroom action only to feel something was not quite right.  On inspection she noticed a brown mucus discharge that looked a little like old blood.  Without hesitation Clare was on the phone to Maternity Triage and I was frantically throwing clothes, supplies and a pack of cards into a bag.  Minutes later we were being admitted into the central delivery suite as a precautionary measure.

At 8pm the doctors in CDU did an examination of the cervix and determined that the cervical stitch that had been put in a couple of week ago had caused a rupture on the Anterior Cervical Lip.  This would need to be padded to stop the bleed and assessed further once the hemorrhage stopped.  As Clare is on blood thinning injections due to her Factor V Leiden the bleeding was adamant not to stop but after a good hour and lots of cotton pads the wound seemed to be clotted.

Clare was advised to rest for an hour and then see how things go.  At 10pm Clare got out of the bed to use the toilet but was rushed back into bed as the wound had seemingly opened again.  This is when things got a little serious.  The doctors told us that the stitch was causing the rupture and will more than likely have to be removed if they could not seal the bleed.  As they could not confirm 100% where the bleed was coming from they may have to deliver baby for safety of mother and child.  Clare was again advised to rest and see if the bleeding stopped and try to move in another hour to see the result.

After another long hour, Clare followed the instructions and stood up once more and headed towards the bathroom...no blood.  She then used the facilities and all seemed ok. On her way back to the bed it happened all over again.  Doctors rushed in and this time seemed more equipped.  This time the applied a glycerin mesh to the wound which would act as a sponge but also secure itself to the rupture and hopefully seal.  This was after they tried cauterising and applying another stitch, both of which were unsuccessful, adamant not to remove the cervical stitch this was our best hope.

At 3am Clare stood up after resting for a further hour, no blood, went to the toilet, nothing, maybe the little gel patch had worked it's magic.  We settled in for the night, Clare in her comfy(ish) bed and me with my ridged chair, it was going to be a long night.

The morning came too soon and observations were done.  No bleeding, the glycerin magic was doing it's sole purpose and doing it well.  We were both just drained of energy.

Clare was moved to ward M2 in the evening to stay a further night with observations and the second steroid injection.  We had been on this ward only two weeks prior with the stitch operation.  Staff were becoming a little too familiar, but we cannot thank them enough.

We are not just short of 25 weeks in and have seen more hospitals, doctors and scans than ever but Baby Sparkles is still doing great, parents are struggling but focusing on the same end goal.  We will keep fighting, we will keep strong for each other and when Sparkles finally decides to join us in person he/she will be treasured forever knowing how much suffering, both mentally and physically, we have been through to this point.

Another Major Milestone

Another Major Milestone

Even though Clare's new stitch had gone in place without any hiccups we were still nervous waiting for the 24 week scan.  As we approached the reception desk we were greeted by a familiar "Hello". The staff had become accustomed to our regular visits and started to recognise us.  I don't know if this is a good thing, but as the staff are fantastic and so helpful I am regarding it as a positive.

Having an earlier than usual appointment, we were called into the scan room within minutes of arrival and the scan commenced.  Now I know I am not trained in any way about looking at scan pictures, but I feel that the amount of these scans I have attended, I am getting a little knowledge of what things look like.  The new stitch was really prominent and seemed like a cable tie at the head of the cervix, and the funneling which I had seen time and time again seem to be gone, but I had to asked to confirm my findings.

The sonographer was more amazed by the stitch itself, she had not seen one like this before.  The cervix wall had increased to 3.4cm and the funneling had disappeared.  Clare and I could breath a little, the stress, panic, worry, anxiety of the last 6 weeks had gone.

20 minutes later we were in the clinic meeting to confirm the scan findings.  Happy with how the cervix was looking and the increase that was evident we were told that the regular two week scans are now being increased to monthly scans.  Our next scan at 28 weeks will be solely for a growth check on baby.

We were also given dates of importance, at the 33 weeks stage Clare will start a course of steroids to help baby grow stronger and at 36 weeks the stitch will be removed.  Normally when the stitch is removed baby is quick to follow, but just to be safe we are booked in for inducement at 38 weeks which will be the 16th February 2016.

After our great news, we purchased our first outfit for Baby Sparkles and started looking through the boxes that went into my parents loft a couple of years ago.  Clare is now talking about baby and feeling as though she can start to bond, something that she has feared doing since we found out out our blessing.

A Stitch in Time

22 Weeks Scan and the Cervical Stitch

Sat waiting, waiting in the whitest room i have ever been in.  Just waiting.

It is 11:50am on the 28th October 2015, and I am waiting.  Clare has just been taken to theatre in the Central Delivery Suite, and I can do nothing more than wait for her to come back.

Yesterday we left the house feeling confident, it was the day of our 22 weeks scan.  Clare had been on bed rest for 4 weeks and was hoping to go back to work on light duties.  All we needed to hear was that the cervix had not shortened and was still doing as strong. Anything above 3 cm and we were on track.  I had made sure for the last few weeks that Clare had done nothing, the same four walls, the same routine, and Chewie was adapting well to the lazy days.

The scan rooms were very busy, so we had to wait for a while.  Our new sonographer had read Clare's notes and was up to speed, straight away the cervix was being measured and confirmed at 3.2cm.  The bed rest was working and Clare could go back to work for a few weeks before our next scan.  While the notes were being written we waited, happily smiling, confident.  We always take a sneaky look at the notes before handing them in, just to keep ourselves informed before the clinic meeting.  The measurements said 2.3cm, she did say 3.2 didn't she?  We went back and queried this variance.  The initial measurement, the one that gave us confidence, was the whole cervix wall.  The new 2.3cm measurement was the real crunch, Clare has been funneling for a while, this is were the cervix begins to open and the 2.3 cm was the measurement from the mouth of the funnel to the outer wall.  This was the area that had always been measured.  So 2 weeks ago it was above 3.7cm, and now, after all the bed rest we thought was helping it had dropped 1.5cm.  Anything below 2.5cm is very weak and within serious risk of giving up.

Before we had even had chance to digest this new finding, Clare was admitted to hospital with a pending cervical stitch to be inserted in the morning.  

So here I am waiting, what time is it? 11:55am, it has been 5 minutes? only 5 minutes??

Before we came down to theatre, one of the consultants had explained that there were two outcomes of this procedure, and only two outcomes.

Outcome one: The stitch goes in and Clare comes out of theatre and into recovery

Outcome two: The stitch goes in and there are complications, baby comes out sleeping 

The procedure, I was told, would only take 20 mins to half and hour, but I didn't realise how long this half hour would be.

After 35 minutes I think I stopped breathing, every footstep down the corridor I was waiting for news, doctors, surgeons, midwives all walking past the white room and still no update.  Every time I heard someone walking toward the open door, I sat up hoping that they were coming to tell me everything was fine, but nothing.  I understand that Clare and baby are the most important people right now, but please don't forget about the poor husband and father sat there in this whiter than white room with no update, nothing, just waiting

Waiting

Eventually a surgeon came into my white room and explained that everything is fine, and Clare the stitch procedure is now in action, the reason for the delay was down to Clare refusing to have any strong veins, and equipment to be cleaned, the set up took longer than expected.  She took me to the recovery room and explained that Clare would be around 20-30 minutes and then she would be joining me.

Another 20 to 30 minutes more! More waiting!

When Clare arrived in the recovery room looking like nothing had happened, she commented that I was looking rather pasty and teary! No wonder ! The procedure had been a success and the stitch had been put in place perfectly.  No issues, no concerns.  Clare was kept in hospital for another 24 hours purely to observe and keep a close eye.

After an uneventful and lonely night Clare is now back home and resting.  Every twitch, twinge, ache or groan makes my heart stop a little.  We have come too close now to lose hope, we have been given an extra bit of strength to carry on but I know at the 24 week scan we will not enter as confident.

Thankfully, now, this stitch will hold in the baby for another few months and give Clare the strength to carry on.  The stitch will be removed around 36 weeks mark, and baby should follow pretty quickly after this.

So we are now waiting, waiting for the happy day to come.  Still anxious, still nervous but still waiting

20 Weeks Scan

Tuesday 13th October

We awoke with a feeling of anticipation, worry and stress although neither of us had to acknowledge it, we both knew how each other was feeling.

We were about to enter an unknown void, a place that we had not been to before, the 20 week scan.

Spud had been born sleeping at 19 weeks and 6 days, other other angels had passed before the 9 week scan, so 20 weeks is a serious milestone for Clare and I.

Clare had been on serious bed rest for two weeks and although we had a few little scares along the way, the bed rest was serious.  A cushion to raise her feet whilst on the reclining chairs in the living room or special pillows in bed to make her lie more comfortably, we are not messing about.

No - we are not having 6 babies!

As we entered the scan room, our sonographer, who feels like she has become an integral part of our journey , jumped straight into action finding the all too precious heartbeat.  She then proceeded to do a full scan of lungs, kidneys, legs, arms, lips, face, pretty much everything except the area that could give us any indication to which colour clothes we should be buying.  A further scan of Clare's cervix showed that the thickness had increased. Not just a slight increase as per our last scan, but back to the 3.7mm grade.  A perfect result.

We are now at the 20 weeks stage and things are starting to look our way.  With two more scan at the 22 and 24 weeks to monitor the cervix length and funneling we are still not out of the woods, but we have a good idea of the path to the clearing.

With this result we are now happy to announce our great news to our family.

A Little Scare

Too close to the 20 week scan for a scare!

02/10/2015

After a mention of cervical shortening and funneling so close to the point that we lost Spud, the remainder of the week we felt on high alert.  Every time Clare sneezed, I winced.  Every time Clare complained of back ache, I worried.

I came home from work early on the Friday looking forward to a long weekend of chilling with my girl waiting for the scan on Tuesday to let us know where we stood.  Clare looked white, she was experiencing shooting pains that were intermittent and felt like contractions. We could only think the worst, so Clare rang the midwife to ask for advice.

The midwife suggested that we ring Maternity Triage to have them check her out. We arrived in the hospital moment later and checked in at Triage.  The nurse on the desk told us to go to the central delivery suite as they were expecting us.  This caused us to worry a little more, why were they expecting us on CDU?  The last time we were on CDU was when Spud was born, and it is truly heartbreaking to walk through those doors again in a similar situation.

As we entered the Central Delivery Unit, a nurse had Clare's notes ready and told us she had a room ready.  The room they had ready was room 8, the room that Spud was born in. I asked if we could go into another room as there was no way we could go back in there with so many sad memories.

Thankfully there was another room available and Clare and I sat waiting.  Another midwife entered our room and brought a saline solution and a collection of large tools.  I had to stop her at this point and ask for an explanation.  We had been rushed into CDU with no information, Clare having pains that felt like contractions and "tools" being brought into the room as a precaution.  It was only know that they explained that Maternity Triage was busy and they usually spill over into CDU, there is nothing to worry about, they just want to do a couple of checks to put our mind at ease and then send us on our merry way.

The air in the room lifted, we breathed again, I saw colour come back into Clare's face which had almost turned transparent.  A consultant came to see us and explained that this is perfectly normal with a shortened cervix and if the baby moves Clare would feel with twinges, especially if it was hitting a nerve.  After a check over, the consultation was over and Clare and I were happy to head back home for the weekend with a little more confidence....but believe me, that was a scary couple of hours that I do not want to relive.

Thankfully our scan on Tuesday showed that cervix has lengthened and the funneling reduced (all be it by half a millimeter) which strengthens our chances and hopes

Our doctor has signed Clare off for 6 weeks and order more strict bed rest to happen

One more scare....why not?

I had booked babysitting and dog sitting duties for Saturday 10th October as Clare had given me a pass to go to the cinema.  To save undue giddiness from Chewie I took him out for his nightly walk a little early and took his favourite ball.  After about 20 minutes I got a call from Clare to come home asap as she was not feeling well.  As I rushed through the door Clare was white and shaking, she looked terrible.  Thankfully, our babysitter (my Ma) turned up at the same time and we rang the out of hours doctor.  Clare had been showing signs of infection for a couple of days, however, water samples had come back inconclusive. A few hours later, we were at the out of hours clinic picking up antibiotics.

We were given three possible reasons for the loss of Spud
1) Weak Cervix
2) Factor V Leiden causing a blood clot
3) Infection

We have now covered all three bases, so what else do you have to throw at us that again we will prosper over.

Clare and I are more determined now to be blessed and the coming weeks are going to be tough, but we are going to get there.

Bed Rest

Feet up, relax and bed rest

The doctor couldn't give us a definitive reason to why Spud was born at 20 weeks, but they did offer some ideas.  A blood clot on the placenta caused Factor V Leiden, an infection or a weak cervix.  I relation to the latter, we were told that if Clare was pregnant again in the future and nearing the 20 week mark, they would look to put in a stitch to help strengthen and support the cervix from shortening.

Due to this suggestion we had a scan to check the cervix length and scan every 2 weeks after to regularly check variances in length.

The first scan measured at 3.7cm, which was very good news.  The normal standard is anywhere between 3 and 4 centimeters, so we fell at the positive end of the scale.  This gave us a great feeling as the pregnancy was looking perfect.

Our second scan a couple of weeks later revealed that the cervix length had shortened.  It had reduced to 2.9 cm.  On any normal person, this would be acceptable, but due to the 0.8 cm loss we were not happy to just walk away.  With us so close to the 20 weeks checkpoint and the thought that we could lose another baby around the same stage we could not sit and wait two weeks to check.  Thankfully, we were told to come back in 1 weeks time for another scan to which we can ascertain if a stitch is needed, but in the interim Clare is on absolute strict bed rest.

With her feet raised with extra pillows, Netflix at the ready and me at beckon call, the bed rest week began.

Understanding how stressful Clare's pregnancy is for her is something I cannot perceive, but I know I have to do everything I possibly can to support her.  Our friends have just had a beautiful baby girl and one starts to think, how can it be so easy? Why can we not have a straight run of confirmation, 12 week scan and 20 week scan?  Every new day is a step closer to our dream, but it also brings so much more worry, stress and anxiety and the closer we get to the 20 weeks stage the more increased this is.   I don't begrudge anyone who has a straightforward pregnancy, in fact completely the opposite, any mother who goes through 9 months of increasing joy to the inevitable bundle of love is amazing, and so is my Clare.  She is putting up with so much at the moment and seemingly coping so well.

We are now waiting for the next appointment to see where we go next...

Scenario 1 (The Good): The Cervix has either increased (due to bed rest or slight margin of error on scans) and no further action is needed until the next scan at 20 weeks.

Scenario 2 (The Bad): The Cervix has decreased further meaning a surgical stitch is needed to help strengthen

Thankfully there is no Ugly, which ever way the scan goes we get a positive result, that is how I see it any way.  I can't really see Clare doing much for the next few weeks though.

Fragmin Injections

After months of investigations into the potential reasons why we lost Spud at 20 weeks, we were presented with a few likely scenarios.  Although we will never be 100% sure, there were theories behind our loss:
1) A Weak Cervix
2) Infection
3) Factor V Leiden
4) A combination of all/some of the above

Initially diagnosed as Lupus. Clare has a genetic disorder of blood clotting that is increased during pregnancy.  This inherited disorder has a direct impact on the "stickiness" of Clare's blood which has a tendency to clot far too easily.  The result of this could have caused a blood clot on the placenta and stopped food supplies reaching Baby Spud.  Without prior knowledge and specific testing for Factor V, it is something we would never have known about.

Now we know the implications of the disorder we can do something to prevent future clotting, the only thing is, the prevention is very painful and a daily occurrence.

I received training on how to inject Fragmin 5000 into Clare's stomach within days of finding out about the pregnancy.  Grab some skin, jab in the needle without releasing the bubble prior and squeeze in the viscous fluid.  What was not explained fully was what happened within in seconds of administering the dose.

Clare has described it in numerous ways, the actual injection part is the same as any other, a sharp scratch.  What follows is an intense burning sensation that has reduced her to tears on many an
occasion.  Weeks after each injection the bruise marks are still enlarged, black and rarely fading.  We both dread the daily reminder, the little ping from our phones that brings to the forefront of our minds what is about to happen, again.

From Clare's point of view, as the pregnancy has progressed, the amount of "loose skin" available has decreased, bruised areas increased and the burning sensation remains.

In awe of Clare and what she has endured , knowing that every day this HAS to happen to give us what we both desire.  There have been tantrums, refusals and many teary nights but she still embraces the pain with gritted teeth.  From my eyes it is a different side to the pain.  I swore to always protect Clare from harm, upset, pain, always to be there for her to help, yet I am the one, who, on a daily basis reduces Clare to tears.  Some nights seeing her writhing in pain I can do no more than hold her hand, other nights having to walk away as I cannot bear to see her in so much agony that I had inflicted.  If I could, I would happily take the injections for her...at least till the bruising subsided, but unfortunately we must continue.

For three months after Baby Sparkles arrives, Clare will have to have this fire inducing drug administered and although the looser skin will return, the pain will remain the same.